How can I sleep train my baby if I want a strong bond with her?
I did plenty of things wrong (including letting her nap in this seat!), but sleep training was the best decision I made for our family.
There is this term out there that is gaining popularity called “attachment parenting” that is promoting a strong bond between parent and child. There is also this group of parents that teeter on the line of wanting to keep their sanity when they are all “touched out” and wanting to form a strong bond with their children. There is another group of parents that feel the need to shame those parents that let their baby cry for a few minutes in order to help them learn soothing skills.
Attachment parenting and sleep training CAN coexist. This isn’t an all or nothing game. The term attachment parenting is the approach where you are striking a balance between personal and family life. It is about feeding with love and responding with sensitivity. Everything I did to help my baby learn to sleep independently included those principles. I responded to her when I knew she needed me, and I stayed consistent in my approach. The confusing part for babies is when you are not consistent. If you run in immediately when your baby cries sometimes, and other times you let them cry for 45 minutes, then obviously your baby will be confused. If you LISTEN to what their cries mean, then you can learn how to respond in the way they need each time.
When it came to sleep training my child, I knew that I needed to get my sleep or else I wouldn’t be able to be a good human, let alone a good parent. When it comes to being a good parent, we need to be focused, alert, awake, and able to respond. We also need to have our own feelings and our mental health needs to come first. If I didn’t get sleep for more than 3 nights, that third night I couldn’t even get out of bed when she cried never mind responding immediately. I was not firing on all cylinders, barely one. If I wanted to respond respectfully and gently, while keeping my baby safe, I needed to keep her out of my bed. I never wanted to be worried about the safety of my baby in my own bed, so I never crossed that line. I had nightmares about it even though I never allowed it to happen. Sleeping with your infant raises the risk of SIDS significantly. Sleeping with your infant while utterly exhausted can mimic a drunk. You aren’t going to be in a light sleep when you finally do get to sleep if you are completely exhausted.
I don’t know how to put it any other way than to relate this to putting on your oxygen before your child’s. In an airplane, we are always taught to put your own oxygen on before helping others. This is the truest statement of filling your own cup in order to help it spill out into others. Think about this. If you are an exhausted mom, running thin on patience, fighting with your spouse about who should do the dishes or make dinner, trying to take your first shower in three days, how are you going to have it in you to be up all night with your needy baby? We all hit a breaking point, and I was a working mom with a 90 minute daily commute. In order to have my stuff together during the week I needed more than 4 hours of broken sleep. I needed more than the desire to be a loving, attached parent. I needed rest. I needed space. At the end of a long day taking care of patients, I needed to go home and take care of the household until bedtime. If my baby was going to be up all night long, when would I shower and do the dishes and pick up toys and feed my dogs? When would I get to relax with my husband and talk about my day? When would I finally get enough “me time” to feel like my skin wasn’t crawling?
If you are feeling like this, you are not alone. Sleep training is not going to ruin your attachment with your baby. Sleep training is tuning IN to your child’s cries, and tuning out the guilt for letting your baby figure out the world a little bit. You are not a monster for teaching your baby a skill! You are not a detached parent by helping your baby learn to fall asleep without you. Babies sleep better without us, and we sleep better without the worry.
My sleep training techniques involve the least amount of crying. My techniques involve tuning in and doing what you feel is right in the moment. It is about making you feel comfortable but also being able to tune in to your own uncomfortable feelings regarding tears. Why does crying make you feel so stressed? Are you worried they are hungry or need a change or too hot or cold? Are you worried they just need some snuggles? It is totally okay to feel these things! I will help you pay attention to them and open up about them. I will help you get your life back, while keeping that sweet little bundle of joy attached to you.
Do you feel like you need to put your oxygen mask on first? Are you ready to fill your cup while still filling your child’s cup? Are you ready to take on gentle parenting while still teaching your child the skill of independent sleep?
Click on my services above to schedule a discovery call with me and find out how I can help you put on your oxygen mask.
xo Melanie
